This year, I also started seeing a therapist. Deborah has been amazing for me! I firmly believe that every human should have a therapist. We all need a person to talk to who doesn’t judge us, who gives us sound advice when we need it, and who is always there (as long as we make an appointment) when we need them. This seems like an inalienable right!
I started seeing Deborah when I was getting ready to leave for a yoga therapy training and I was becoming so anxious that I wasn’t functioning well and was considering cancelling my non-refundable trip. I said, “The timing for this trip is terrible. J is in trouble at school and I’m the only one who can handle him. My family needs me!” Deborah said, “I think the timing is perfect.” I didn’t agree. But I went.
And she was right. The timing was perfect!
My family was fine without me for two weeks, which was both bitter and sweet. My husband and J’s teachers were able to get J back on track. The kids made it to school every day on their own. Shane provided mostly healthy dinners for the family and was home to help with homework and go to games. I was glad to know they could handle life without me, but doesn’t that mean I’m unnecessary? Replaceable?
It took Deborah and I three sessions to process this first trauma. It went quite smoothly! (I will go into the details of my experience with EMDR in another blog post.) At first, I still felt nervous when answering the phone, but I was able to make myself do it. With more time and with positive phone experiences, it became easier and easier. Now I can answer the phone right away! I only get anxious when it’s my ex-husband calling, but even that is more manageable.
The second trauma took 4-5 sessions to process. (I am told it usually takes many more sessions.) I almost didn’t go back after the first session. It was awful! I had nightmares and flashbacks worse than before. I avoided being touched at all. I felt anxious all the time. It was almost unmanageable.
After a heart to heart with my husband, I decided to go back for another session. I had started this round of EMDR for a reason and I couldn’t keep feeling the way I was, so I figured the best thing to do was finish it. It definitely was!
When I went back, we spent a whole session talking about how I was feeling. We didn’t do any EMDR that session, but it was part of the process. This talking helped me immensely. I needed to talk about all the feelings I thought I had let go of years ago. I needed to talk about how I was being affected. And mostly, I needed to hear that it was normal, that it was all part of the process.
When I went to therapy the third time, we started back to EMDR. I was scared, but I tried to be courageous. I got frustrated that the feelings I felt in my body didn’t seem to be leaving. (I’ll explain this more in the next blog). It just seemed to get stuck at my throat and it didn’t completely go away when I left therapy. I didn’t like it, but it was manageable. So I went back.
The EMDR worked! I have now had sex (awesome, mind blowing sex) with my husband many times and I’VE HAD NO FLASHBACKS! None! Zero! There has been no crying afterwards. No yucky feelings. It’s just pleasant and yummy sex with the man I love! Sex rocks!
So, my therapist Deborah and EMDR helped me to let go of two traumas. One that was holding me back professionally and one that was holding me back privately!
My life is better than it was a year ago. I have let go of pain and trauma. I have let go of control and attachment. 2016, the year of letting go, has brought me closer to the real me. I am love!
What did you learn in 2016? What has helped you to get where you are now? My sister shared this poem http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/02/she-let-go/ about letting go with me today. What can you let go of that’s not serving you today?